I write this as a woman who has had her broken 3 times in less then 6 months. I know it sounds very little time but its time I felt that has gone on forever. I wish I could let go to feels that are still there for that one certian girl. Those feelings saying that I lost her completely, not only as in a relationship but also in a friendship that I thought would last. I write this in hopes that I can remove the hurt in my heart. It hurt everytime that the only time i hear from here is when she wants something. She dont know how much it hurts. I write this to explain that I wish I could just shake her and tell her what she is doing to me. I see her in happiness and thats all I wish for her but why I cant I find happiness. I try hard to find it but I never can. I know I am trying to hard to find it, but it seems thats all she wants me to do. She thinks the only way to be happy is to be with someone which is not always true. At times I am happy to be alone but deep down I feel there is something missing. There is something that I want and yet it either hiding or so far away it feels like it should be in space. As much as I hate this feeling I must live on the find people who are out there that wont throw me to the side. Someone who is not using me or playing with me. I have been played with to much in my young life. I just wish that I could just STOP! Stop with the endless drama stop with the playing. Doesnt anyone know how much it hurts to be rejected?! Not only by people but also by the person I considered my best friend. She dumped me to be with her girlfriend which is understandable but I wish she would get her head out of her girlfriends ass and see what the hell is going on! She how much we all have changed and stop being so damn attached to that player she calls her girlfriend! Cant you tell I dont like this girlfriend? Yeah I cant stand her but all I can do is smile and try not to knock her teeth straight. I write this to let anger out. So that the tears dont show and I can keep wearing this mask. So I can continue to be strong and be the person I know I am.
To wear a mask is not to hide your feelings from others but to hide the feelings from yourself. I know its weird to say this but its true. If one can hide their feelings from their selves they can keep going. I know one must open the heart to let the love in. But what if you are scared to get hurt or open up? I think that why I wear a mask til that one person can take it off and see me. What happens you have feelings for someone and they only want to be friends. I hide those feelings and keep being her friend as much as it hurts me. All I can say is that i can be her friend and I know that I will be the one she runs to when she needs help. Its not much to some but its alot to me. I just wish it was not like that sometimes.
I will end here and hope that my heart will rest and heals after all the rejection it has been through. Wishing there was something to stop this heartache.
For not and a while